Truly Loved + Wholly Surrendered

As you can tell by the title of this post, I’m writing of my season in singleness and if you’re a friend of mine who is married, engaged, dating (i.e., not single), please know I’m happy for you truly.

It’s just hard to be happy for me, too. sometimes.

I know this is a topic most don’t talk about in this view. But, I think it’s worth discussing … well, because there are so many encouraging things out there about “God doesn’t waste the waiting,” “It’s worth the wait,” “Be happy in your singleness,” “Be content where you are,” “Singleness is a season.” That’s all fine and great, but what about when you’re pushing 30 and haven’t been on a date?

Or, you’ve gone out, but it hasn’t worked out?

Or, you get along great with other singles, but nothing comes of it?

What then?

Then, sometimes, there’s pain.

The pain of being single. Seeing happy couples, even in the midst of knowing God’s promises and truth and that His Word never fails and that He never fails. Still hurts, sometimes.

I know there will probably someone reading this that will say, “Enjoy it while it lasts,” “You won’t have the freedom you have now when you’re married and/or have kids.”

Well, what if your biggest and deepest dream is to be a mom? To be a wife to someone? To have kiddos running around and taking them places, activities, hobbies? To open your home to your kids’ friends? To have that kind of life?

I know, I know, most people don’t dream of the messiness of marriage and family life, but I do. There’s nothing I want more. And, I don’t have it.

I don’t know why. I just know I have this deep and big desire and I don’t see God’s hand in my life.

Where is He? Why have I waited my whole life? Only to have this dream crushed? But, God isn’t a God who disappoints … yet, I feel somewhat … hopeless.

What am I waiting for? What is God waiting for? I know, I know, “In His timing,” but I don’t even have a glimpse of that, I feel.

And that sucks. That’s all.

Not wallowing in my pain, just embracing and accepting the facts. I don’t have it, and it sucks. It hurts a little bit. Because I don’t know what God has for me, what He has planned. But I do know that I trust Him, still.

He’s still good. He always has been. He always will be.

He sees my hurting heart, and that’s enough for me. He will be the One who fulfills all my dreams and desires.

He is a good God. A good Father. I trust Him, even in this. Especially in this.

just hurts sometimes … that’s all.

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“Delight yourself in Adonai, and He will give you the requests of your heart.” —Psalm 37:4, TLV