Truly Loved + Wholly Surrendered

Y’all burn out is no joke. I intended to write more frequently last year and then life happened and things hit the fan, forcing me to take a step back and process life outside of writing. The Lord has been gracious to me in providing various outlets (worship, prayer, community), and now it’s time for me to come back to writing. 

All of last year has been an emotional rollercoaster—one that I didn’t expect to be dealing with: Lots of high highs and lots of low lows; lots of forgiveness and grace; lots of difficult conversations and emotional healing; lots of questions and doubts. While these things are not all bad things to experience or go through, to go through them all at once was … a lot. So much so that I filled my calendar (some intentionally, some not as intentionally) with events and activities—ignoring the emotional things that came my way. 

And then when I burned out in the fall and was sick for two weeks in December, I slowly came to realize that even though it’s hard, it’s better for me to talk about the hard things and to process them in a healthier way … even though in some ways I’d rather not. In the last year, I’ve dealt with change in a lot of different areas, different ways, different aspects of my life—change in perspective, mindset. Knowing that God wants me to have a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7), I have learned to surrender my thoughts and believe His Word instead (2 Corinthians 10:5). His truth really does set you free! (John 8:36). 

Within my family, we’ve had a lot of discussion about the past and overcoming the hurt that has happened throughout our lives. Learning to communicate better with one another and move forward without focusing on the past, yet acknowledging the past is what shapes the present. We all have a choice, though, and that choice is something I’ve had to focus on and really choose. Do I want to live in the past and the hurt and the unforgiveness, or do I want to forgive, heal, and live in freedom … in the present? It’s funny because I don’t ask the Lord for a “word of the year,” but I do ask for something He wants me to focus on or learn in the coming year (which, I guess is similar to a “word of the year” that some do). And this year, it’s to be in the moment, be present.

As February closes, and March begins, I’ve realized the moments I would have missed if I wasn’t attentive to the people around me (even in these last two months), to those that I come into contact with. However, last year was to dig deeper in the Word, and how I needed that, because the things that came required a deeper knowledge of who God is and what His Word says. Now that I’m able to move on from last year’s journey, I see how God is working in my heart to see people around me, to listen to their stories, to pray for them. 

Surrender is hard. Holding on is hard. Surrender is freeing. Holding on hurts. Forgiveness is hard. Unforgiveness is worse. Choosing the difficult path, the narrow path, and seeing the fruits of that has been so rewarding. I choose life. I choose truth. I choose Him. I choose His way. The Lord is good to those who love Him and has great plans, even for me.

I don’t quite know how to articulate all of 2023 in one post, so i’ve written this instead: 

journeying through 2023

it’s a new year

new start

for new trips

do all the things

celebrate

take a stand

for life

share truth, compassion with others

march for life

retreat away

for love

stand by her side

taken by surprise

someone close to me

revealed their story

a story of faithlessness

a story of sin, repentance

a story of forgiveness, grace

compassion in me

yet, hurt, shock, distrust

the Lord forgave even me

so i should forgive others

joy, what joy 

seeing those you love

love others

joined in holy matrimony

what an honor to stand by your side

celebrating with you

then,

what does ministry look like?

starts in the family

doesn’t it?

at the same time,

slowly, but surely

trust rebuilt

grace seen, felt

forgiveness extended

i went overseas

across the waters

to a different country

to tell others of the hope

that i struggled to hold on to

learning: when i lose hope,

hope again

and now, newness of life

new level of friendship

new level of closeness

in the midst of all the new

doubts, questions plague

the enemy is quick to attack

the Lord is quicker to guard

shield, protect

He sees me, even in the new

even in the questions, the uncertainties

future unknown, unseen

but I know the King

in the end, we’ve all messed up

even i 

and, in the end, 

there is healing

there is grace

there is trust

there is forgiveness

in the end, God is sovereign 

in control

He sees all and knows all

in the end, i see Him—and that is enough

for me

Be blessed, my friends. The Lord sees you, knows you, and loves you—better than any person on this planet ever could. Walk in His truth, His Word, His love.

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